Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: My Journey to Authenticity
Breaking Free from People-Pleasing: My Journey to Authenticity
I didn’t even realize I was a people-pleaser until I started my healing journey a few years ago. It's one of those things that sneaks up on you. You don’t see it until you take a step back and really reflect. And when I finally did, I was shocked at how much I had been doing things just to make other people happy without even considering if it was what I actually wanted. I’m sure many of you can relate to the pressure of feeling like you have to please everyone around you.
Looking back, I can trace my people-pleasing tendencies all the way back to being an early bloomer. I wanted to get everything perfect, especially for my parents. My mom, in particular, would always brag about me to others. I thought I had to be perfect, not just for myself, but because I wanted to live up to her expectations and everyone else’s, too.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of what I’ve achieved along the way. I’m proud of the hard work, the wins, and the goals I’ve crushed. But when I looked back, I realized most of it wasn’t for me. It was because I thought that’s what I had to do to keep people happy. I didn’t realize I was stuck in a cycle of people-pleasing, trying to be who everyone else wanted me to be.
As I got older, I realized something important: I’m the one who has to live with the consequences of my choices; my family isn’t living my life for me. I started to really feel the weight of that pressure when the consequences of those decisions started to show up. Leading up to my 30th birthday, I promised myself that I wouldn’t spend another decade like I had spent my 20s. I was done trying to fit into a mold that wasn’t mine. I was done people-pleasing.
I remember getting texts from my mom, saying she couldn’t believe the decisions I was making, that she thought I was losing my mind. But the truth was, I wasn’t losing my mind. I was finding myself. I had spent so much time playing roles like therapist, mom, and wife that I was not doing things that for me. And that was the biggest revelation for me: I had been so busy living for everyone else that I had forgotten to live for me. I forgot about my own happiness.
People-Pleasing Makes You Lose Yourself
Here’s what I learned: people-pleasing is sneaky. It convinces you that you’re doing the right thing by always putting others first, but what it really does is make you lose touch with who you really are. I had been so caught up in doing what I thought my parents, society, and everyone around me wanted that I never took the time to ask myself: What do I really want?
The pressure to constantly meet other people's expectations is exhausting. And it’s not just a one-time thing; it becomes a way of life. You start to believe your worth is tied to how much you can give to others. But here’s the truth: you’ll never meet everyone’s expectations, and you don’t have to. No matter how much you give, people will always ask for more. It’s a cycle that will leave you drained if you don’t break it.
The Turning Point: Saying No & Finding Myself
The real change happened when I decided to stop people-pleasing. That’s when my healing began. I had to learn to say no and not feel guilty about it. I had to put my needs above the expectations others had for me. I had to stop looking for validation from the outside and start giving that validation to myself. It was tough at first, but as I kept going, I realized that I was reclaiming my power.
When I stopped living for others, I started living for me. I became more comfortable saying no when I didn’t want to do something. I stopped feeling like I had to explain myself or justify my choices. And I learned that it’s okay to disappoint others if it means not disappointing myself.
How Relationships Change When You Stop People-Pleasing
One thing I noticed when I stopped people-pleasing is how my relationships started to shift. I used to be the one reaching out to friends, even when I hadn’t done anything wrong, just to avoid conflict. I did this to keep the peace, but I realized it wasn’t healthy. Now, I’ve learned that I don’t always have to be the bigger person. It’s okay for me to set boundaries and not chase after others.
Since I stopped overextending myself, I’ve seen a change in how people interact with me. I don’t get as many calls or texts from people just checking in anymore. And you know what? I’m okay with that. My people-pleasing tendencies had been pushing me toward burnout because I felt responsible for always being there for others. I thought if I didn’t show up, I’d be seen as a bad person or a bad friend. But doing what I want to do is not a crime. It’s not selfish. I’m not intentionally trying to hurt anyone’s feelings by choosing my peace.
You Have the Right to Live for You
Looking back on this journey, I’ve realized something huge: we all have the right to live for ourselves. You have the power to choose what makes you happy. You don’t need to meet anyone’s expectations except your own. It’s okay to say no. It’s okay to put yourself first. It’s okay to create a life that feels authentic to you even if it goes against what others want or expect from you.
If you’re tired of living for everyone else, it’s time to make a change. Like I did, you can stop people-pleasing and start living for yourself. It’s not selfish. It’s self-care. It’s about choosing you.
Are you ready to break free from the cycle of people-pleasing and start living authentically? Because you deserve to.
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